Khima Bibbins - My Journey to Love and Marriage

My journey to marriage has been an interesting one. You see, I was not one of those women who had always dreamed of being someone’s wife.

Growing up with extremely limited resources, love and marriage were not high on my list of priorities. Instead, survival, having enough food to eat, and having a roof over my head were some of my priorities. When my parents divorced, it was extremely traumatic for us. We went from having everything we ever wanted, living on an army base with a wholesome family life, to living in the projects.

I didn’t know the details of the divorce, all I know is that my beautiful life had been snatched away overnight. As a child, I didn’t understand why daddy no longer lived with us, or why we had to leave our beautiful home, to come and live in a place where all we saw was struggle. We weren’t prepared for that, nor did we have the skills or experience to know how to survive in such a place. After that my life changed.

I had a hard time reconciling in my own heart and mind, how a man who said he loved us, could leave us in such horrible conditions. I loved my father, but I just didn’t understand. I went from being a straight a student to B’s and C’s in a matter of months. Life became something it had never been for me, it became hard. I saw many relationships, most of which were not healthy. I saw a lot of pain. As far as I was concerned, I wanted nothing to do with love. As I grew older, my mindset became “I don’t need love”.

In school, I was ostracized and teased. My teachers loved me, but it seemed as if my peers hated me. I didn’t understand why I didn’t fit in. Why was I the object of so much ridicule? My heart became cold. In order to cope in school, I became like those who were ridiculing me. A tougher me emerged.

In my junior year in high school, I met a guy who moved to my hometown from Washington DC. At that time, I had no interest in love. I was focused on getting my education. I was inexperienced, but not naive. My mindset was, no man is gonna “play” me. I was too smart for that. Nevertheless, this guy was persistent. He told me he wanted to get to know me. I was like “for what?” He wanted to spend time with me, I was like “what you want?” He wanted to give me things, I was like “what you want in return?” I did not trust men, at all, because of what I had seen. I had no time to be distracted with love.

He would show up all the time, while I was in the library or the computer lab, doing work. I would pay him no mind, but he would stay anyway. I didn’t understand why he kept showing up, because I was not nice or loving to him. He would always compliment me, and tell me how beautiful I was. I knew he was different from the rest, but I still didn’t trust him. I knew he wanted something from me, and in my mind, it was a matter of time until he got around to asking for what he really wanted. But he didn’t. He just kept showing up and loving on me.

I showed him the worst of me, and yet he still saw the best in me. He saw the beauty in a rose, full of thorns. I’m sure my rough edges cut him sometimes. I remember when he told me I would be his wife. We were kids. I laughed and told him he was crazy, that he didn’t know the first thing about love. But he did. He did know about love. He knew much more about it than I did. He knew love was selflessly giving of yourself, even when it is not returned. He knew it was about seeing the beauty, in some of the ugliest of situations.

Thirteen years later, I am still proud to be his wife. Who would have thought? Our marriage has not been a bed of roses, but we work together to tend our garden. He told me again today, one of the things that drew him to me, was my focus and determination.

The best advice I can give to a lady in waiting is don’t be afraid to wait. Focus on bettering yourself and accomplishing the things you want in life. You’re not going to miss, what and who is meant for you. Don’t rush. Be patient. It will come. He will come. Don’t settle. Don’t compromise. Don’t give too much, to someone who hasn’t proven themselves worthy or deserving of your love. The right one will not ask you to lower your standards instead, he will rise to meet, and even exceed them. Respect yourself, and you will command respect and love, from the man who is sent and meant to love you.

Khima Bibbins

Khima Bibbins is a proud wife of thirteen years, and mother to two beautiful children, Marcia and Malachi. She currently teaches middle school in the public school system and is passionate about pouring into the lives of young people. She is also a minister, psalmist, intercessor, and Christian entrepreneur. You may view and purchase some of her products at Khimas Kreations

Aisha Milton-Dorsey's Story

My name is Aisha Milton. I was born and raised in Selma, Alabama. I know who my father is but I don't really know him. My mother left me with my loving grandmother and aunt at age three. I learned at an early age my aunt hated my mom and despised my father. Because of that hate I was never going to become anything in her eyes. I remember many of her negative comments, "You gonna be just like your momma, you ugly, you stupid,"  just anything she could think of to say to me. My mother came to visit once maybe twice a year. Growing up my siblings and I spent summers with her. We took turns because she could never handle us all at once. I remember being with her felt like heaven. My life felt normal for about three months. I felt loved, but confused by the fact that I couldn't stay. I often asked the question, “why can't I stay?" As I got older I realized my mother's new boyfriend wasn't ready for a family and neither was she.

Acting Out

When I turned twelve I started acting up in school. You know, doing things like hanging out with boys, and not going home some days. My aunt had predicted that I would be pregnant or dead by age fourteen. She gave my mom an ultimatum, “come get her or she will be placed in a juvenile center." So, in 1991 I came to live in Boston with my mother. I learned quickly that she didn't know how to be a full time mom, so the same neglect I felt in Alabama was present in Boston. It was actually worse because the neglect and lack of love was from my own mom. It was not the same feeling I felt while visiting in the summer. After three months of living in the city I was doing the same things as I had done in Alabama. The difference was sex and drugs were now involved. My mom thought by beating me and coming to house parties to embarrass me would place me on the right path. She neglected the fact that her and my upbringing put me on this path in the first place. After only three months my mom was fed up! She turned to the court system for help.

No One Loves Me

I ended up in DSS (Dept. of social services) custody, but I ran away from most places. Some places had mice, some didn't feed me well, and others tried to beat me. I told myself I'd rather be homeless than endure the mistreatment, so I left. Being homeless, I did whatever it took to survive which ultimately landed me in DYS (Dept. of youth services). At age sixteen I went to a less secure program in Brockton, MA where I was able to reconnect with old friends. This is where I fell in love with a man I stayed with for seventeen years. He was the first man to tell me that I was smart, beautiful, sexy, and that he loved me. I stayed with him because he understood my dysfunction. He was the one person I knew I could trust. I could always count on him for a place to stay, even if that meant he had to hide me in the basement. I always knew that he would protect me. After a while he stopped saying nice things. Instead, he made sure to always throw my past in my face. He would remind me that no one else loved me, no one else cared. He knew exactly what to say to keep me with him. He kept watering the seed of fear that had been planted in my heart - no one loves me.  He used it for his convenience. There was never physical abuse but the relationship was never healthy because of the mental abuse, and it was killing me slowly.

A Wonderful Change

Despite my troubled life and an eighth-grade education, I was fortunate enough to always hold a good job. I now know that's what we call “Favor." In 2009 I lost my job. While unemployed, I decided to attend a church that a friend told me about. The first visit was cool. I went a second time and thought, "Wow, this pastor is talking about me." For the next three weeks, I went to this house of God. One Sunday morning I cried and cried the entire service. Then a voice said, "Follow me. I love you. I have always loved you." I followed!  In March 2009, I decided to give my life to Christ. I will not tell you that life has been easy or that I have changed completely because I was and still am a work in progress. What I will tell you is this, it was not the church that helped me but what I have learned since attending church that has changed my life. Amongst many things, I have learned that prayer works. I've also learned to completely forgive all those who never knew how to love me and made my childhood painful. I have also taken responsibility for all that I have done wrong, and forgiven myself.

I was told that if I was going to walk this walk, there were people and things I would have to release from my life. This is when I realized I would have to leave my man of seventeen years, a relationship that lasted longer than most marriages. I thought my foundation would shatter. I was beyond afraid. I began to read and pray more and this scripture stood out, “God hath not given us the spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7). This scripture gave me peace and confidence to move forward.

Since then, God has sent me a wonderful husband that not only loves me, but loves The Lord as much as I do. He is a man that prays for me and with me and he encourages me.

I have been blessed and feel rewarded when I can be a blessing to others. It has been enjoyable and fulfilling to have the opportunity to share my testimony. I am honored.

Ladies, to all who may be reading, be encouraged and love YOU! Know that you are loved because your Father in Heaven would have it no other way. In 2012 I received my GED. I am looking forward to furthering my education and becoming all that God has called me to be. What has God called you to be?

Aisha

What Is Love?

Love each other. Just as I have loved you 

- John 13:34

 

I used to think love was showing affection and lavishing special people in my life with gifts. I also used to think love represented that flutter sensation you'd feel in the pit of your stomach when you're dating someone new. As I matured spiritually, I began to understand that love is not necessarily showing affection, giving gifts or butterfly sensations. Love is a spiritual attitude that you purposefully and consciously walk in.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, boastful, proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance", I Corinthians 13:4 nlt.

I Love this passage! No pun intended lol! Love is action! Love is being and doing all of the things described even when you don't feel like it or better yet even when its not being done to you! (I don't condone physical or verbal abusive and feel a person should remove themselves from that situation if possible). "Love one another the way I have loved you", says Christ. This is very very difficult to do because the majority of us are not naturally built this way. We want to defend ourselves when people do us wrong and we want to put people in their place when they’ve hurt us. I've learned It's OK to defend myself and confront people on issues, but it's supposed to be done in a loving way.

Many of you have read my brief story regarding my marriage in The Power of Prayer blog.  I shared with you how praying bible scriptures helped turn things around. Love was also an important factor in restoring my marriage. The first couple of years were very difficult, as most marriages are in the beginning. We were in a make it or break it season and I wanted my marriage to make it! I wanted God to show me how to be a good wife hoping that would change my situation. I shared with you how I found every bible scripture I could on being a wife and that I would emulate what I read. One day I came across I Corinthians 13. I was challenged not to settle for being just a good wife but a loving wife. It's easy to emulate something and put on a front for a period of time. But, It's difficult to allow a permanent internal change to take place, especially when what you are giving out seems like it’s not being reciprocated. I struggled, but I pressed my way through and learned the true meaning of love. In the end Love did not fail me. I not only became a loving wife but a loving person. The love that I now understand was not just confined to my husband but to others as well. Have I arrived in the area of love? NO. Will I ever arrive? probably not. It's a process that I walk out every day with Gods help and conviction.

As you go about your day, try to be mindful of how you treat those that are close to you, on your job and people you meet daily. Remember to be patient and kind. Love can be a listening ear, a word of encouragement or even a hug. Don't worry about the love not being reciprocated especially if it's coming from a pure place. When you sow seeds of love you will eventually reap love and most times your harvest will be greater than what was sown.

Be blessed and enjoy your Valentines Day!

Tytenisha